I’m The Batman Now!

Let's Calm Down, Stop Acting Like Fanboys, And Talk About It Like Fans.



Why is everyone so hot about the potential Robert Pattinson casting as Batman? All this internet nerd-rage. You all are doing too much right now. For the love of beautiful, pious children, calm your gonads, people.

But, Kenny, this guy is the effin’ Twilight guy?! How the hell is he going to play Batman?!

He’s an actor, and that’s what actors do: play different characters. If they didn’t, they would be type-casted. I’ll point out that Pattinson played an angsty, depressed vampire. That’s not that far from a brooding, depressed, violent vigilante who slithers around in the dark.

I swear, though, the nerd hive-mind has the collective memory of a goldfish. Roll the clock back to 2014 when Ben Affleck was first announced as the final selection as the Caped Crusader. Holy hell the nerd kingdom was incensed, venting unbridled rage into the internet abyss. Now, the Snyder-fanboys can’t shut up about him, converting Instagram into a veritable shrine to Batffleck’s likeness, replying to every still of Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) with: “Masterpiece ????????.” You can’t tell now that everyone was at one time irrationally angry that the Daredevil (2003) actor was going to don the cape and cowl.

Let’s time travel to 2007 when WB revealed to the world that Heath Ledger, of all people, was cast as the Harlequin of Hate. What was Nolan thinking?! Ledger?! The A Knight’s Tale (2001) and Brokeback Mountain (2005) guy?! Then in 2008, Ledger shut everyone down with a posthumous Oscar-winning performance, and all the doubters laughed uncomfortably with stupid looks on their faces, trying to change the subject. Nuff said.

Anyone remember 2005, when we found out Christian Bale was taking on the lead role in Nolan’s reimagining (read: dark and gritty reboot) of Batman? While the ire wasn’t nearly as vitriolic, there was still a fair amount of doubt surrounding Bale. Hell, I’m the first to tell you that Bale was not—and still is not—my first choice as Batman even though I’m sincerely grateful for the magic he brought to my favorite character. I think it necessary that I laud Bale for being instrumental in catapulting nerd-culture into media dominance and motivating hipsters and college students nationwide to exchange their trendy Che Guevara shirts for ones depicting Captain America, Superman, and Spawn.

And once upon a time in 1989, Tim Burton cast Michael Keaton, the lead in Mr. Mom (1983), and Beetlejuice (1988), as the titular hero. Can you believe Keaton received death threats? I know. Crazy, right? It goes without saying that Keaton’s face is still the model that the legendary Alex Ross uses when he paints Batman for premier DC products.

There also was that one actor that fit the look of Bruce Wayne from jump street. What was his name? George Clooney? Yeah – remember him? If my memory serves me correctly, he and his sidekick (or perhaps it was the other way around), Joel Schumacher, buried the franchise with Batman & Robin (1997). But at least everyone agreed with his look. Just let that smile sink in for a moment…

Do you know who else looked his part? Jared Leto…with his method acting. See how that worked out? Oh, wait – that didn’t? Crazy. Joke’s on us, I guess.

The moral of the story is: calm down nerds—this may work out in our favor. Give it some time to develop. To the diehard Batman fans out there: be patient because good Batman content comes about once every generation, and we’re coming due.

P.S.: The batsuit on Gotham was straight-up basura… That means trash in Spanish.

It’s always darkest before the dawn!